- Pacific
As all of North America now seems to be focused on the
issue of one terrorist wearing a pair of exploding underwear, I might as well comment on
this latest bit of security theater that seems to have transfixed the nation. Pictures of
the exploding underwear "bomb" have now surfaced on the 'net. You can view them
at ABC News: http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/north...
Here is exactly what the text on this page says (I'm not making this up, this is seriously
true): (warning: Some of the content here is graphic, read at your own risk...)
"The first photo, to the left, shows the slightly charred and singed underpants
with the bomb packet still in place."
I don't know what you think, but if you did an underwear search of all the passengers
flying these days, you'd probably find half of them are wearing underwear that's
slightly charred and singed with the "bomb packet" still in place.
The gastrointestinal health of the
general population is atrocious! And by the time you add in some airport food and
in-flight processed food
snacks, pretty much everyone on the airplane is setting off a little bomb packet by the
time they get off the plane. (Why do you think everybody can't wait to get off in such a
hurry?)
Processed food has turned us all
into in-flight terrorists!
Frankly, I'm not sure what's more of a threat to public health: Lousy airport security or the
digestive effects of in-flight meals. But they both have one thing in common: Underwear...
The ABC News story mentioned above goes on to state that
this terrorist's underwear was packing 80 grams of an explosive powder called PETN, which
government tests have revealed can blow a (tiny) hole in the wall of an airplane.
This is all brilliant stuff, of course. Truly brilliant. This whole idea that underwear
explosives might destroy an airplane all makes sense except for the fact that the
terrorist's butt cheeks are in the way!
Had this explosive packet actually been set off, I can tell you exactly what would have
happened: There would have been a really loud pop, immediately followed by in-flight
pieces of exploding butt cheeks.
I'm not trying to be funny here. This is a true description of the way bombs work. They
explode outward, destroying whatever is closest to them first. And this guy
actually had this bomb wedged in between his butt cheeks. A sort of "wedgie
bomb", if you will. A wedgie with a bang.
This is a serious discussion. There was an attempted assassination of a Middle Eastern
prince that happened not long ago. It was even reported in the press. The assassin had
somehow managed to shove explosives into his rectum -- I swear I'm not making this up --
and waltzed right through security with it. He then shuffled toward his target, fired off
the bomb and subsequently blew his butt cheeks all over the room... without harming anyone
else.
Brilliant, huh?
Think about it. In World War II films, you know how you always see brave soldiers
throwing themselves on an enemy grenade to protect their squad buddies? That actually
works because whoever is on top of the grenade absorbs the explosion. It's basic
physics.
In the case of super wedgie terrorist, he's sitting right on top of the explosive
powder! Who do you think is going to absorb the full force of the explosion? It's
going to be the guy sitting on it.
This is physics 101. A small bomb in somebody's underwear is really only a threat to the
idiot wearing the underwear.
The first rule of making bombs is that you probably should not be sitting on top of them
when they go off.
Predictably, U.S. authorities have now talked this up into
a huge security threat. And sooner or later, it's all bound to lead up to mandatory
underwear searches!
I can see it now: A row of air passengers stands nervously at the gate, nearly ready to
board the plane when TSA enforcers
approach and suddenly demand that everybody bend over and pull down their underwear for a
quick search for "explosives."
Sadly, most Americans are so brain-numbed by security propaganda, they would probably go
along with it!
So why not just go all the way with this and pass a new TSA rule requiring all Americans
to fly with no underwear!
The captain comes on the intercom, saying, "Visibility is 80 miles, we're climbing to
29,000 feet, and we're expecting this flight to be a little breezy..."
Yep, it's undies off when boarding planes from now on. As you pass through security, you
can toss your water bottles in one
bin, your underwear and panties in another bin, and your self respect in a third.
Essentially, if these security searches get any more personal, they're going to undress us
from head to toe and make us wear medical gowns, chained to our seats like convicts
in a prisoner transport plane. Once we land, we can reclaim our underwear and, if we're
lucky, a bit of our lost pride.
Don't you just love how air travel authorities keep coming up with
new stuff that you have to throw away because it might be a bomb? Remember when we could
bring actual water on airplanes? Those were the good old days.
Then one day they declare "Your water might be a bomb!" So millions of
passengers now ditch their water at the security gate, throwing it all to waste.
Then they came up with the idea that terrorists could "mix binary liquids" to
make liquid bombs in the airplane toilet, and they used that to ban all liquids. So much
for your toothpaste, contact lens solution, herbal tinctures and superfood beverage. Toss
it in the trash if you want to get on this plane, buddy!
Now they're going after your underwear. And it won't be long before you have to
strip down to your birthday suit and hand over your undies for an "inspection"
-- right before they send you through the low-frequency X-ray machine that scans your body
parts and displays them on a screen as if you were butt naked.
Just wait for a female terrorist who hides some explosives in her bra one day. Following
that, a new TSA security rule will be initiated and all flights will become bra-less.
No underwear, no bras, no water... what the heck is happening here? Are airlines going to shave our heads and
tattoo barcodes on our arms, too, just in case they lose track of which person was
handcuffed to which seat?
Eastern